When a family is in transition during times of separation, it can feel like a bomb has exploded in the center of your world; debris strewn everywhere. As the adults scramble around, after the explosion, and try to gather the shreds of their old life to bring forward into the new, it can be hard to navigate and support the needs of the children who are part of the fray. It can leave Parents with so many worries and questions about, “the right way” to manage the kids.
What do we tell them about what has happened?
Can I let them see me hurting?
Do I have to let them see the other parent?
The worries can add a whole extra level of stress to an already stressful situation! It can be so, so difficult to share this very important part of ourselves with a person that may have caused us sadness. Often, the trust between parents has been broken. How do we share our children with someone we don’t trust?
In my work with separating parents, I have found that having a few, basic guidelines can help parents manage this time with their kids more effectively. Here are a few ideas to keep in mind:
1. Let your children have time with everyone that THEY feel are special to them. As long as the specific person has not been professionally deemed to pose a threat to safety, children need to fill their hearts with all of the love they can.
2. If at all possible, explain the situation with your children together. Let them know that your family is changing, but they will always have the love of both of you.
3. Allow them permission to share stories and show excitement about activities that they’ve done at each home.
4. Be courteous with the other parent. Share news and information about the children. If you have a big change in your life (ie: are dating someone new), tell the other parent BEFORE you introduce the person to the children.
5. Make time to continue to be involved in your children’s lives. Let them know that they matter
6. Be polite and civil with one another whenever you are in eye shot or ear shot of your child. Make your child feel comfortable to be with BOTH of you if you are at shared events.
By taking the time to remember, and guide your children through the upheaval in their lives, you will be helping them navigate toward their new life in the healthiest way possible.