A Child's Experience of Separation : Infants and Toddlers

Life changes are difficult for all family members. For many children, the Separation of their parents is rated as one of the most difficult life events (2nd to significant loss related to the Death of a close family member or friend). As parents watch their children struggle, they want to help in the most supportive and healthy way possible. A great place to start, is to think about your children’s needs from a developmental perspective.

YOUR CHILD’S DEVELOPMENTAL STAGE:

Children will process these significant changes in their lives differently, depending on their developmental stages. Infants and toddlers have different needs from their parents than adolescents, and for very good reason. As children move from “I see myself as an extension of you”, to “I see myself as separate from you”, their experience of their changing family unit will impact them differently.

Infants and Toddlers:

The first two years of life, hold much importance for emotional and relational development in children. During this stage, their brains are “super wired” to make the important neural (brain) connections for optimal development. The way that a parent interacts with their child, particularly during times of stress, at this stage will have an impact on how the child reacts behaviourally.

In infancy, children see themselves as an extension of the parent. If a parent is exuding anger or frustration or hostility in the presence of their infant, the child will very likely feel that those harsh emotions are directed at them. This connection can cause the infant to react by confusion, uncertainty and fear of their parent.

Parents may see:

• More “fussy” behaviour

• increased need for close, physical bonding

• or, for infants who are noting an emotional detachment from their caregiver, lowered attempts to engage with connection activities

• changes in eating or sleeping behaviours

As the infant moves into “toddler-hood”, they begin to see themselves as separate from their caregivers which is an exciting, yet scary time for them. When a parent leaves the home, just as a child is learning that they are their own being, it can create worry and anxiety for them.

Parents may see:

• difficulties with transitions between parents

• separation anxiety type behaviours (crying and tantrums related to changes in schedule)

• increase in tantrums

• regression with sleeping, eating and toileting behaviours

What Can a Parent Do:

• Set a routine and stick with it as much as possible in BOTH households (a secure and stable child is more important than “having never ending fun”

• Keep doing the small things that create normalcy. For example: if your child is used to sleeping with a special cuddly, ensure that they have the cuddly with them at sleep times

• Be calm and positive when around your child. Take a pause and some breathing time before resuming your Parent Time so that you can process any of your stress away from your child.

• Plan for eating, toileting and sleeping changes. Wee ones don’t have a lot of control over their environment. They may try to control these areas in response

• Have extra snuggle time. This is not the time to establish Separation Parenting. Your child needs the comfort and reassurance of you presence.

Bottom line: If Mom’s and Dad’s can give extra reassurance and take the lead to be a calm and safe presence, their infants and toddlers will navigate this life change in a healthy way.

Stop Digging the Hole....

Humans are tricky! When we are criticized, we often respond with defensiveness and….criticism. Before we know it, we’re stuck in a cycle of Tit-for-Tat.

Person a: “you never pull your weight around here!” (one shovelful of dirt) ,

Person b: “well, what about when you didn’t do x,y,x” (next shovel full of dirt)..

Person a: “ if you had wanted me to do x,y,z, then you should have…..” (more dirt)
Person b: “ I would have done that if you had…..” (more dirt)

Before you know it, the two of you have created a HUGE, DEEP CRATER in your relationship, with a HUGE pile of dirt sitting beside it. As the crater gets deeper and wider, it can feel like an impossible task to get back on track to the caring and loving relationship that you had before the dirt got so big!

It CAN be done! You CAN get back to piece. The first step? One, or both of you need to put down your shovel! You need to decide that you are no longer going to sling dirt and dig the hole. When we put down our shovels, we enter conversations hearing to listen, rather than hearing to respond. A shovel free conversation might sound like this:

Person a: “you never pull your weight around here” (shovel full of dirt)
Person b: “wow, it sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed, how can I help"?” (no dirt here)

It’s not easy; and it takes practice. But, I promise, each time that you choose to LISTEN and put down your shovel, you will start moving your relationship back to a place of peace.

Keep your kids WHOLE when your family changes

When a family is in transition during times of separation, it can feel like a bomb has exploded in the center of your world; debris strewn everywhere. As the adults scramble around, after the explosion, and try to gather the shreds of their old life to bring forward into the new, it can be hard to navigate and support the needs of the children who are part of the fray. It can leave Parents with so many worries and questions about, “the right way” to manage the kids.

What do we tell them about what has happened?

Can I let them see me hurting?

Do I have to let them see the other parent?

The worries can add a whole extra level of stress to an already stressful situation! It can be so, so difficult to share this very important part of ourselves with a person that may have caused us sadness. Often, the trust between parents has been broken. How do we share our children with someone we don’t trust?

In my work with separating parents, I have found that having a few, basic guidelines can help parents manage this time with their kids more effectively. Here are a few ideas to keep in mind:
1. Let your children have time with everyone that THEY feel are special to them. As long as the specific person has not been professionally deemed to pose a threat to safety, children need to fill their hearts with all of the love they can.
2. If at all possible, explain the situation with your children together. Let them know that your family is changing, but they will always have the love of both of you.
3. Allow them permission to share stories and show excitement about activities that they’ve done at each home.
4. Be courteous with the other parent. Share news and information about the children. If you have a big change in your life (ie: are dating someone new), tell the other parent BEFORE you introduce the person to the children.

5. Make time to continue to be involved in your children’s lives. Let them know that they matter
6. Be polite and civil with one another whenever you are in eye shot or ear shot of your child. Make your child feel comfortable to be with BOTH of you if you are at shared events.

By taking the time to remember, and guide your children through the upheaval in their lives, you will be helping them navigate toward their new life in the healthiest way possible.

More Zoo Animals and Communication Styles

If you go to the Zoo one day, take a moment to watch the animals interact amongst their own. You’ll see the roles and hierarchies within each species and the clear, un spoken rules that keep each “pack” running smoothly. As you walk along, you’ll also notice a very important aspect of the Zoo Design: The staff are very mindful of which animals can or cannot be placed with or near each other. It’s easy to understand the reasoning behind this Design consideration! If we place the Lion’s with the Gazelles, there’s a very good chance that the Gazelle will become prey. We humans know this for our animal friends; so we plan accordingly. In our Human World, though, we are not nearly as discerning,

As Humans seek connection and build relationships with others, we tend to roll along, naively assuming that other people are just like us. Those assumptions can work fine, until we hit a speedbump or topic that clearly shows us that we are not aligned in our thinking! Those are the moments that we tend to say to ourselves, “Oh Sh**! I thought we were PERFECT together! What are we going to do now??” . A first step is to pause, step back , and have a look at what type of “animal” you are. Here are some examples:
The Lion: Self assured in their position and perspective. Tends to be forthright in stating their point of view. Not well practiced in listening to other perspectives. Used to getting what they want , when they want it. Can be aggressive in getting what they want.

The Rhino: They tend to keep away from other animals but WILL react if provoked. Can reactively charge if feeling threatened or attacked. Tends to use strength or size to intimidate but prefer not to fight and would rather have the threat just go away.

The Monkey: The Monkey tends to jabber and jabber, often annoying animals around them and putting nervous animals on high alert. They don’t tend to read “body language” well and will continue jabbering and annoying until others’ near them blow up and possible attack.

The Turtle: These guys tend to be slow and methodical. They don’t seek out issues with other species and would prefer to slowly meander through life. If challenged aggressively, however, the turtle will tend to pull into its shell to hide behind the thick, armour of safety that it provides.

When you have an idea of your animal type, and the types of those close to you, it can help you understand and be planful with how you communicate. A Monkey can build a life with a Rhino; but, each of you need to be aware of, and respect, your different ways and needs.

Un-Fu*ked-upedness: How did I get here?

We all know the feeling at the end part….the “how the heck did everything get to feel so Fu*ked up???)

But, to unravel that, we need to go back to the beginning. How did I get here?

Usually, the BIG FACTOR in feeling “Fu*ked up” is that a “something” has happened that has created a big change in our life. It could be the loss of a job, or loss of a marriage. It could be the loss of a loved one due to death. It could be the loss of an old identity or the loss of our lives as we knew it. Generally, the loss of something tends to be at the base of the “Fu*ked up “ feeling. So, take a minute, and reflect on YOUR life….what are some recent changes or losses that might be affecting you?

Legalizing Parenting: Mediation WITH Legal Advice

In my years as a Mediator, I often hear clients talk about choosing Mediation because it’s a cheaper alternative or because they don’t want to fight through the Courts and Lawyers. Both of these aspects are true. Mediation is a cheaper alternative. By sitting together (or, in different rooms at one time) and meeting with one person who can help you communicate, you have the ability to talk through issues in a much more efficient and timely manner. Mediation also saves Court time and costs (financially and emotionally). Court is expensive. Every appearance, affidavit, and letter costs money. In the end, most people find they have lost their voice in the process and end up with settlements or Order’s that are far different than what they hope for. If you choose to Mediate, you choose to work together to find solutions to issues. BUT, this does not mean that you do not use lawyers. The best and most efficient Mediations include your lawyers. Your lawyer won’t be at the table, but they will be part of the team Your Mediator will inform you of options and will educate you about topics to be discussed. You Mediator cannot give you Independent Legal Advice. By working with your Mediator and Lawyer together, you can make sure that you are making educated and informed decisions. The Mediator will ensure that you have clear and targeted questions to ask of your lawyer so that your meetings with your lawyer are as efficient as possible. Conversely, your Lawyer will ensure that you have the targeted information you need to make your Mediation sessions as efficient as possible. In the end, should you choose to legalize your Final Mediation Report, your lawyer can easily draft the agreement and will be confident to do so because they have been part of the process.

The Team work approach that you learn to use through Mediation will transfer into the approach that you use as Team Parents moving forward. And, Team Parents create the best possible outcomes for their children !

Tips for Separated Parents during COVID -Tip 1….Sharing Kids and Court Orders

This is going to be a difficult time for separated parents who haven’t yet managed to develop a team approach. Courts are generally closed for business except for the ,most urgent cases. So, where does that leave you?

Many Parents may still be in a level of limbo in their Court process as they await their next court date. Unfortunately, this next date may not come for months. Some parents may be using temporary plans implemented as a result of a Temporary Court Order. These plans may not “fit” for the long term. Here are some steps you can take:

1. Consult with your lawyer and ask their advice about whether you MUST follow your Order. Talk to them about the possibility of making changes on consent.

2. Consider meeting with an Accredited Family Mediator to help you and the other parent come up with a new temporary plan that you both can agree with

3. And/Or, meetwith a Family Mediator to develop some joint parenting strategies to help manage this limbo time.

Your children deserve as much love as they can get during these times! Let’s work together to help keep their lives running smoothly ❤️

Court is Closed

Consciously Creating Calm…

I’ve created a short video here that shows me “walking my talk”. Even when we know this stuff, and we know how good and restorative it can feel; we can forget to remember ourselves in the pursuit of creating happy around us!

Take some time for you during this busy season ❤️

Becoming Spectacular

I saw a post on social media that said that we all can become spectacular. It got me thinking. I think that we already are. The problem is; too often we look for the “all or nothing”. We forget that it’s the little glimmers of spectacular (or peaceful, or kind, or content or whatever word you are working towards) that hold the most meaning. Life isn’t as easy as being Big ‘S’ Spectacular every day. It’s about understanding that we are always on a journey. It’s about forgiving ourselves for not being Perfection. It’s about allowing ourselves room to grow and learn. If we can just slow ourselves down, and take time to notice the glimmers, we can be on track toward feeling more fulfilled. So, today, I’m going to look for little bits of spectacular that are happening around me. I’m going to notice the beauty of the hummingbirds at the feeder. I’m going to see the times that I make someone smile. I challenge you to do the same. Let’s see the world through Spectacular Lenses; even if just for today.