Falling in love is such an exciting and intense time! We tend to relish all of the great things about our new found person, and enjoy all of their wonderful qualities. We see the pristine and magnificent White Horse that is joining our life and brings “all good things”. Sure, there may be a few prickly parts. But, during the falling in love time, we tell ourselves that these parts are just fleeting problems or things that will change over time. As we go along, building a life with this person, our excitement about the new, and the future, tends to keep us focused the White Horse that we want to see. But…..
In reality, we are all Zebra’s! All of us have the wonderful, white stripes; the parts that are exciting and good. These white stripes tend to have labels like, “dependable”, “great listener”, “loving”, “stable” etc. Labels that describe the types of things that we consider positive and strong. All of us, however, also have pricklier black stripes. These black stripes tend to have labels like, “needy”, “grumpy”, “selfish”, “controlling” etc. These labels describe behaviours or personality traits that we consider less desirable. These stripes tend to be at the centre of many conflicts in the relationships that I see.
As our relationships grow over time, it becomes harder to only see the White Stripes. As the pressures and stresses of life start to creep in to our lives together, we can start to lose sight of our White Horse. Slowly, the arguing and bickering begins as we notice more of the black stripes and start to criticize and try to pull our person back to being the White Horse that we fell in love with. The problem here, though, is we never actually HAD a White Horse! We always had a Zebra; we just chose to ignore the black stipes. This confusing space is where Couples Coaching can be extremely helpful! As a Coach, I help couples re-find the Zebra that they fell in love with! Although you may have noticed the White Stripes more, that whole Zebra was there from the beginning. By working with someone like me, you’ll find a way forward that allows each of you to be more authentic in your relationship together.