A Child's Experience of Separation : Infants and Toddlers

Life changes are difficult for all family members. For many children, the Separation of their parents is rated as one of the most difficult life events (2nd to significant loss related to the Death of a close family member or friend). As parents watch their children struggle, they want to help in the most supportive and healthy way possible. A great place to start, is to think about your children’s needs from a developmental perspective.

YOUR CHILD’S DEVELOPMENTAL STAGE:

Children will process these significant changes in their lives differently, depending on their developmental stages. Infants and toddlers have different needs from their parents than adolescents, and for very good reason. As children move from “I see myself as an extension of you”, to “I see myself as separate from you”, their experience of their changing family unit will impact them differently.

Infants and Toddlers:

The first two years of life, hold much importance for emotional and relational development in children. During this stage, their brains are “super wired” to make the important neural (brain) connections for optimal development. The way that a parent interacts with their child, particularly during times of stress, at this stage will have an impact on how the child reacts behaviourally.

In infancy, children see themselves as an extension of the parent. If a parent is exuding anger or frustration or hostility in the presence of their infant, the child will very likely feel that those harsh emotions are directed at them. This connection can cause the infant to react by confusion, uncertainty and fear of their parent.

Parents may see:

• More “fussy” behaviour

• increased need for close, physical bonding

• or, for infants who are noting an emotional detachment from their caregiver, lowered attempts to engage with connection activities

• changes in eating or sleeping behaviours

As the infant moves into “toddler-hood”, they begin to see themselves as separate from their caregivers which is an exciting, yet scary time for them. When a parent leaves the home, just as a child is learning that they are their own being, it can create worry and anxiety for them.

Parents may see:

• difficulties with transitions between parents

• separation anxiety type behaviours (crying and tantrums related to changes in schedule)

• increase in tantrums

• regression with sleeping, eating and toileting behaviours

What Can a Parent Do:

• Set a routine and stick with it as much as possible in BOTH households (a secure and stable child is more important than “having never ending fun”

• Keep doing the small things that create normalcy. For example: if your child is used to sleeping with a special cuddly, ensure that they have the cuddly with them at sleep times

• Be calm and positive when around your child. Take a pause and some breathing time before resuming your Parent Time so that you can process any of your stress away from your child.

• Plan for eating, toileting and sleeping changes. Wee ones don’t have a lot of control over their environment. They may try to control these areas in response

• Have extra snuggle time. This is not the time to establish Separation Parenting. Your child needs the comfort and reassurance of you presence.

Bottom line: If Mom’s and Dad’s can give extra reassurance and take the lead to be a calm and safe presence, their infants and toddlers will navigate this life change in a healthy way.

More Zoo Animals and Communication Styles

If you go to the Zoo one day, take a moment to watch the animals interact amongst their own. You’ll see the roles and hierarchies within each species and the clear, un spoken rules that keep each “pack” running smoothly. As you walk along, you’ll also notice a very important aspect of the Zoo Design: The staff are very mindful of which animals can or cannot be placed with or near each other. It’s easy to understand the reasoning behind this Design consideration! If we place the Lion’s with the Gazelles, there’s a very good chance that the Gazelle will become prey. We humans know this for our animal friends; so we plan accordingly. In our Human World, though, we are not nearly as discerning,

As Humans seek connection and build relationships with others, we tend to roll along, naively assuming that other people are just like us. Those assumptions can work fine, until we hit a speedbump or topic that clearly shows us that we are not aligned in our thinking! Those are the moments that we tend to say to ourselves, “Oh Sh**! I thought we were PERFECT together! What are we going to do now??” . A first step is to pause, step back , and have a look at what type of “animal” you are. Here are some examples:
The Lion: Self assured in their position and perspective. Tends to be forthright in stating their point of view. Not well practiced in listening to other perspectives. Used to getting what they want , when they want it. Can be aggressive in getting what they want.

The Rhino: They tend to keep away from other animals but WILL react if provoked. Can reactively charge if feeling threatened or attacked. Tends to use strength or size to intimidate but prefer not to fight and would rather have the threat just go away.

The Monkey: The Monkey tends to jabber and jabber, often annoying animals around them and putting nervous animals on high alert. They don’t tend to read “body language” well and will continue jabbering and annoying until others’ near them blow up and possible attack.

The Turtle: These guys tend to be slow and methodical. They don’t seek out issues with other species and would prefer to slowly meander through life. If challenged aggressively, however, the turtle will tend to pull into its shell to hide behind the thick, armour of safety that it provides.

When you have an idea of your animal type, and the types of those close to you, it can help you understand and be planful with how you communicate. A Monkey can build a life with a Rhino; but, each of you need to be aware of, and respect, your different ways and needs.