Life changes are difficult for all family members. For many children, the Separation of their parents is rated as one of the most difficult life events (2nd to significant loss related to the Death of a close family member or friend). As parents watch their children struggle, they want to help in the most supportive and healthy way possible. A great place to start, is to think about your children’s needs from a developmental perspective.
YOUR CHILD’S DEVELOPMENTAL STAGE:
Children will process these significant changes in their lives differently, depending on their developmental stages. Infants and toddlers have different needs from their parents than adolescents, and for very good reason. As children move from “I see myself as an extension of you”, to “I see myself as separate from you”, their experience of their changing family unit will impact them differently.
Infants and Toddlers:
The first two years of life, hold much importance for emotional and relational development in children. During this stage, their brains are “super wired” to make the important neural (brain) connections for optimal development. The way that a parent interacts with their child, particularly during times of stress, at this stage will have an impact on how the child reacts behaviourally.
In infancy, children see themselves as an extension of the parent. If a parent is exuding anger or frustration or hostility in the presence of their infant, the child will very likely feel that those harsh emotions are directed at them. This connection can cause the infant to react by confusion, uncertainty and fear of their parent.
Parents may see:
More “fussy” behaviour
increased need for close, physical bonding
or, for infants who are noting an emotional detachment from their caregiver, lowered attempts to engage with connection activities
changes in eating or sleeping behaviours
As the infant moves into “toddler-hood”, they begin to see themselves as separate from their caregivers which is an exciting, yet scary time for them. When a parent leaves the home, just as a child is learning that they are their own being, it can create worry and anxiety for them.
Parents may see:
difficulties with transitions between parents
separation anxiety type behaviours (crying and tantrums related to changes in schedule)
increase in tantrums
regression with sleeping, eating and toileting behaviours
What Can a Parent Do:
Set a routine and stick with it as much as possible in BOTH households (a secure and stable child is more important than “having never ending fun”
Keep doing the small things that create normalcy. For example: if your child is used to sleeping with a special cuddly, ensure that they have the cuddly with them at sleep times
Be calm and positive when around your child. Take a pause and some breathing time before resuming your Parent Time so that you can process any of your stress away from your child.
Plan for eating, toileting and sleeping changes. Wee ones don’t have a lot of control over their environment. They may try to control these areas in response
Have extra snuggle time. This is not the time to establish Separation Parenting. Your child needs the comfort and reassurance of you presence.
Bottom line: If Mom’s and Dad’s can give extra reassurance and take the lead to be a calm and safe presence, their infants and toddlers will navigate this life change in a healthy way.
