Humans are tricky! When we are criticized, we often respond with defensiveness and….criticism. Before we know it, we’re stuck in a cycle of Tit-for-Tat.
Person a: “you never pull your weight around here!” (one shovelful of dirt) ,
Person b: “well, what about when you didn’t do x,y,x” (next shovel full of dirt)..
Person a: “ if you had wanted me to do x,y,z, then you should have…..” (more dirt)
Person b: “ I would have done that if you had…..” (more dirt)
Before you know it, the two of you have created a HUGE, DEEP CRATER in your relationship, with a HUGE pile of dirt sitting beside it. As the crater gets deeper and wider, it can feel like an impossible task to get back on track to the caring and loving relationship that you had before the dirt got so big!
It CAN be done! You CAN get back to piece. The first step? One, or both of you need to put down your shovel! You need to decide that you are no longer going to sling dirt and dig the hole. When we put down our shovels, we enter conversations hearing to listen, rather than hearing to respond. A shovel free conversation might sound like this:
Person a: “you never pull your weight around here” (shovel full of dirt)
Person b: “wow, it sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed, how can I help"?” (no dirt here)
It’s not easy; and it takes practice. But, I promise, each time that you choose to LISTEN and put down your shovel, you will start moving your relationship back to a place of peace.