One of the hard parts of Separation, that people don't often prepare us for, is the
vastness of facing all of life's little situations afterwards. As we Move On, and start rebuilding our lives, there can be a million small ways that reminders of what we've lost come creeping in.
The initial Separation is tough, but Moving On is is tough as well! There will be so many Firsts that will bring in memories of happy times. There will be stories from your children, or friends, about happenings at "the other home" that you are not longer a part of. There will be moments when you run into people from "that life" and pause with an awkwardness as you both notice the distance . There will be reminders that things have changed as you see your past him or her with a new person on their arm.
All of these are a part of The Moving On. All of these can feel like a new, punch in the gut and can leave you reeling. All of these can reopen the pain and old wounds. It's important, then, that we are prepared. We must KNOW that there will be these firsts. We must KNOW that there will be situations that open the old wounds and bring our pain to the surface. Being aware and prepared means that the pain won't be as harsh. And then we can KNOW that as life Moves On, and as time shifts further away from the firsts, we'll start to heal. The New Normal will set in and we'll find our groove.
So, be gentle with yourself. Have patience. KNOW that the pain will not always be as intense as it is in the beginning. KNOW that with time, both of you will Move On and you'll find the amazing life that is meant for each of you.
Snow Days and other kid stuff
Bella was a 9 year old girl. Like many girls her age, she liked sports, time with her friends and spending time outdoors. Like many of her friends' parents, Bella's parents were separated. Unlike her friends' parents though, Bella's parents were CONSTANTLY fighting over time with Bella. For Bella, it felt like so many of her activities were ruined because they created one more opportunity for her parents to fight. Who gets to watch the dance competition? Who gets to have Bella for the school concert? Who gets Bella for March Break?
This morning was no different.
As Bella woke up, she could hear her Dad on the phone. Listening to his voice, she could tell he was angry:
" oh, come on! You seriously want me to haul her out of bed?"
" I know she comes to you after school Friday. But there's no school today"
" who says 'no school' means you get her?"
" seriously? You're going to call the Police about this? What am I breaching?!"
Nice way for a kid to wake up, eh?
Bella wondered, "Are the Police coming to arrest Daddy? Are they going to take me away?" " Why do I always make Mommy and Daddy fight?" " Where am I going to be today?"
Suddenly, a day that should have been filled with Magic and Excitement for Bella became.....anxious and sad.
Bella rolled over in bed, put the blankets over her head and decided she'd hide there until someone came to get her.
The Fun Snow Day had become just another miserable day of Mommy and Daddy fighting .
If you are a Separated Parent you have a choice! You don't need to create Bella's life! You have the chance to put your kids first and give them the gift of knowing that they deserve BOTH of their parents! They deserve to be allowed to love, and have time with each of you!
But, most of all......they deserve to be kids and enjoy all of the fun times that come with it!
A Child's Experience of Separation : Infants and Toddlers
Life changes are difficult for all family members. For many children, the Separation of their parents is rated as one of the most difficult life events (2nd to significant loss related to the Death of a close family member or friend). As parents watch their children struggle, they want to help in the most supportive and healthy way possible. A great place to start, is to think about your children’s needs from a developmental perspective.
YOUR CHILD’S DEVELOPMENTAL STAGE:
Children will process these significant changes in their lives differently, depending on their developmental stages. Infants and toddlers have different needs from their parents than adolescents, and for very good reason. As children move from “I see myself as an extension of you”, to “I see myself as separate from you”, their experience of their changing family unit will impact them differently.
Infants and Toddlers:
The first two years of life, hold much importance for emotional and relational development in children. During this stage, their brains are “super wired” to make the important neural (brain) connections for optimal development. The way that a parent interacts with their child, particularly during times of stress, at this stage will have an impact on how the child reacts behaviourally.
In infancy, children see themselves as an extension of the parent. If a parent is exuding anger or frustration or hostility in the presence of their infant, the child will very likely feel that those harsh emotions are directed at them. This connection can cause the infant to react by confusion, uncertainty and fear of their parent.
Parents may see:
More “fussy” behaviour
increased need for close, physical bonding
or, for infants who are noting an emotional detachment from their caregiver, lowered attempts to engage with connection activities
changes in eating or sleeping behaviours
As the infant moves into “toddler-hood”, they begin to see themselves as separate from their caregivers which is an exciting, yet scary time for them. When a parent leaves the home, just as a child is learning that they are their own being, it can create worry and anxiety for them.
Parents may see:
difficulties with transitions between parents
separation anxiety type behaviours (crying and tantrums related to changes in schedule)
increase in tantrums
regression with sleeping, eating and toileting behaviours
What Can a Parent Do:
Set a routine and stick with it as much as possible in BOTH households (a secure and stable child is more important than “having never ending fun”
Keep doing the small things that create normalcy. For example: if your child is used to sleeping with a special cuddly, ensure that they have the cuddly with them at sleep times
Be calm and positive when around your child. Take a pause and some breathing time before resuming your Parent Time so that you can process any of your stress away from your child.
Plan for eating, toileting and sleeping changes. Wee ones don’t have a lot of control over their environment. They may try to control these areas in response
Have extra snuggle time. This is not the time to establish Separation Parenting. Your child needs the comfort and reassurance of you presence.
Bottom line: If Mom’s and Dad’s can give extra reassurance and take the lead to be a calm and safe presence, their infants and toddlers will navigate this life change in a healthy way.
Stop Digging the Hole....
Humans are tricky! When we are criticized, we often respond with defensiveness and….criticism. Before we know it, we’re stuck in a cycle of Tit-for-Tat.
Person a: “you never pull your weight around here!” (one shovelful of dirt) ,
Person b: “well, what about when you didn’t do x,y,x” (next shovel full of dirt)..
Person a: “ if you had wanted me to do x,y,z, then you should have…..” (more dirt)
Person b: “ I would have done that if you had…..” (more dirt)
Before you know it, the two of you have created a HUGE, DEEP CRATER in your relationship, with a HUGE pile of dirt sitting beside it. As the crater gets deeper and wider, it can feel like an impossible task to get back on track to the caring and loving relationship that you had before the dirt got so big!
It CAN be done! You CAN get back to piece. The first step? One, or both of you need to put down your shovel! You need to decide that you are no longer going to sling dirt and dig the hole. When we put down our shovels, we enter conversations hearing to listen, rather than hearing to respond. A shovel free conversation might sound like this:
Person a: “you never pull your weight around here” (shovel full of dirt)
Person b: “wow, it sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed, how can I help"?” (no dirt here)
It’s not easy; and it takes practice. But, I promise, each time that you choose to LISTEN and put down your shovel, you will start moving your relationship back to a place of peace.
Keep your kids WHOLE when your family changes
When a family is in transition during times of separation, it can feel like a bomb has exploded in the center of your world; debris strewn everywhere. As the adults scramble around, after the explosion, and try to gather the shreds of their old life to bring forward into the new, it can be hard to navigate and support the needs of the children who are part of the fray. It can leave Parents with so many worries and questions about, “the right way” to manage the kids.
What do we tell them about what has happened?
Can I let them see me hurting?
Do I have to let them see the other parent?
The worries can add a whole extra level of stress to an already stressful situation! It can be so, so difficult to share this very important part of ourselves with a person that may have caused us sadness. Often, the trust between parents has been broken. How do we share our children with someone we don’t trust?
In my work with separating parents, I have found that having a few, basic guidelines can help parents manage this time with their kids more effectively. Here are a few ideas to keep in mind:
1. Let your children have time with everyone that THEY feel are special to them. As long as the specific person has not been professionally deemed to pose a threat to safety, children need to fill their hearts with all of the love they can.
2. If at all possible, explain the situation with your children together. Let them know that your family is changing, but they will always have the love of both of you.
3. Allow them permission to share stories and show excitement about activities that they’ve done at each home.
4. Be courteous with the other parent. Share news and information about the children. If you have a big change in your life (ie: are dating someone new), tell the other parent BEFORE you introduce the person to the children.
5. Make time to continue to be involved in your children’s lives. Let them know that they matter
6. Be polite and civil with one another whenever you are in eye shot or ear shot of your child. Make your child feel comfortable to be with BOTH of you if you are at shared events.
By taking the time to remember, and guide your children through the upheaval in their lives, you will be helping them navigate toward their new life in the healthiest way possible.
More Zoo Animals and Communication Styles
If you go to the Zoo one day, take a moment to watch the animals interact amongst their own. You’ll see the roles and hierarchies within each species and the clear, un spoken rules that keep each “pack” running smoothly. As you walk along, you’ll also notice a very important aspect of the Zoo Design: The staff are very mindful of which animals can or cannot be placed with or near each other. It’s easy to understand the reasoning behind this Design consideration! If we place the Lion’s with the Gazelles, there’s a very good chance that the Gazelle will become prey. We humans know this for our animal friends; so we plan accordingly. In our Human World, though, we are not nearly as discerning,
As Humans seek connection and build relationships with others, we tend to roll along, naively assuming that other people are just like us. Those assumptions can work fine, until we hit a speedbump or topic that clearly shows us that we are not aligned in our thinking! Those are the moments that we tend to say to ourselves, “Oh Sh**! I thought we were PERFECT together! What are we going to do now??” . A first step is to pause, step back , and have a look at what type of “animal” you are. Here are some examples:
The Lion: Self assured in their position and perspective. Tends to be forthright in stating their point of view. Not well practiced in listening to other perspectives. Used to getting what they want , when they want it. Can be aggressive in getting what they want.
The Rhino: They tend to keep away from other animals but WILL react if provoked. Can reactively charge if feeling threatened or attacked. Tends to use strength or size to intimidate but prefer not to fight and would rather have the threat just go away.
The Monkey: The Monkey tends to jabber and jabber, often annoying animals around them and putting nervous animals on high alert. They don’t tend to read “body language” well and will continue jabbering and annoying until others’ near them blow up and possible attack.
The Turtle: These guys tend to be slow and methodical. They don’t seek out issues with other species and would prefer to slowly meander through life. If challenged aggressively, however, the turtle will tend to pull into its shell to hide behind the thick, armour of safety that it provides.
When you have an idea of your animal type, and the types of those close to you, it can help you understand and be planful with how you communicate. A Monkey can build a life with a Rhino; but, each of you need to be aware of, and respect, your different ways and needs.
I married a zebra !
Un-Fu*ked-upedness: How did I get here?
We all know the feeling at the end part….the “how the heck did everything get to feel so Fu*ked up???)
But, to unravel that, we need to go back to the beginning. How did I get here?
Usually, the BIG FACTOR in feeling “Fu*ked up” is that a “something” has happened that has created a big change in our life. It could be the loss of a job, or loss of a marriage. It could be the loss of a loved one due to death. It could be the loss of an old identity or the loss of our lives as we knew it. Generally, the loss of something tends to be at the base of the “Fu*ked up “ feeling. So, take a minute, and reflect on YOUR life….what are some recent changes or losses that might be affecting you?
Legalizing Parenting: Mediation WITH Legal Advice
In my years as a Mediator, I often hear clients talk about choosing Mediation because it’s a cheaper alternative or because they don’t want to fight through the Courts and Lawyers. Both of these aspects are true. Mediation is a cheaper alternative. By sitting together (or, in different rooms at one time) and meeting with one person who can help you communicate, you have the ability to talk through issues in a much more efficient and timely manner. Mediation also saves Court time and costs (financially and emotionally). Court is expensive. Every appearance, affidavit, and letter costs money. In the end, most people find they have lost their voice in the process and end up with settlements or Order’s that are far different than what they hope for. If you choose to Mediate, you choose to work together to find solutions to issues. BUT, this does not mean that you do not use lawyers. The best and most efficient Mediations include your lawyers. Your lawyer won’t be at the table, but they will be part of the team Your Mediator will inform you of options and will educate you about topics to be discussed. You Mediator cannot give you Independent Legal Advice. By working with your Mediator and Lawyer together, you can make sure that you are making educated and informed decisions. The Mediator will ensure that you have clear and targeted questions to ask of your lawyer so that your meetings with your lawyer are as efficient as possible. Conversely, your Lawyer will ensure that you have the targeted information you need to make your Mediation sessions as efficient as possible. In the end, should you choose to legalize your Final Mediation Report, your lawyer can easily draft the agreement and will be confident to do so because they have been part of the process.
The Team work approach that you learn to use through Mediation will transfer into the approach that you use as Team Parents moving forward. And, Team Parents create the best possible outcomes for their children !
Tips for Separated Parents during COVID -Tip 1….Sharing Kids and Court Orders
This is going to be a difficult time for separated parents who haven’t yet managed to develop a team approach. Courts are generally closed for business except for the ,most urgent cases. So, where does that leave you?
Many Parents may still be in a level of limbo in their Court process as they await their next court date. Unfortunately, this next date may not come for months. Some parents may be using temporary plans implemented as a result of a Temporary Court Order. These plans may not “fit” for the long term. Here are some steps you can take:
Consult with your lawyer and ask their advice about whether you MUST follow your Order. Talk to them about the possibility of making changes on consent.
Consider meeting with an Accredited Family Mediator to help you and the other parent come up with a new temporary plan that you both can agree with
And/Or, meetwith a Family Mediator to develop some joint parenting strategies to help manage this limbo time.
Your children deserve as much love as they can get during these times! Let’s work together to help keep their lives running smoothly ❤️
Court is Closed